How to Stay Married and Build a Home!

Marriage guidance counselling is a prerequisite for the brave, path-breaking interior designer or architect who designs homes. If the client is single – no problem! The moment a significant other enters the picture, an entourage follows – parents (his and hers), favourite relatives, closest friends, (and God help us if they are from our profession!) neighbours building houses, neighbours who have never done anything to their homes but know exactly how you should yours – the list is endless, and yet all these people could be right – in their own way.

I forgot the kids.

Usually wrapped up in school activities (kids these days have a full life!), or married and in their own homes (I forgot the in-laws too!), kids have either the final word or do not have a say at all.

But don’t get me wrong.

Everybody has the right to have an opinion, and to express it. They might hurt feelings, get verbally aggressive, provoke criticism – but their opinions matter to you.

A human being relies on the opinion of at least 2 other people in their lives. When building or decorating a home, this often becomes a point of conflict, especially if you are not too fond of the person whose point of view your partner always takes into account. Different perspectives lead to different points of view, and sometimes real breakthroughs happen when you are open to suggestions from unexpected places. Dialogues ensue, and confusion could reign – but debate can the best form of decision making – up to a point! Remember in all the information overload, your designer will work as your decoder. Almost like getting clarity on how to delete all data from your Mac before disposing it off!

There are a few constants in this battle, and the practice has helped this interior designer hone her counselling skills. The role has also given me immense satisfaction, especially when I have been able to bridge the gap between two sides, save unpleasantness and build a happy home!

1. 1. 1. What are your aspirational values – do you want a Gandhian home and your partner a plush oomphy decadent place? Remember, when you start building, you forget that you have to live with the concept – is this really you? Have you recently been to a friend’s place and been envious of the glam? You both have to be comfortable living in and maintaining your home without it being a financially ruinous exercise!
      2. People have different, sometimes totally different, ideas on what they want in their home! If you like the industrial look, and your partner the colonial – which one of you ends up convincing, browbeating or simply disregarding the other? Maybe a good idea would be to engage your designer in the conversation – it’s amazing how fusion works really well, and you can savour the results for ages.
      3. What about potential WW3 catalysts like more storage vs bar/home theatre? How often do we sacrifice utility for looks? And should we have to? Given that space these days in apartments is inadequate (the next generation though will be quite happy with it) for the stuff we are attached to and lug around, it is still possible to arrive at a happy medium where everybody
      4. Interestingly, the cost of a product or service is never an issue when you really really want it – but if it upsets your budget at the beginning of the journey, remember that you will be scrapping later on! Be safe, stay married! A client recently decided he wanted a toilet seat that practically sang to him – at a cost of the entire wardrobe – while his wife was up in arms! Needless to say, we delayed the decision until he had sufficiently lost interest (and moved onto the most expensive music system in the world) and were able to avert conflict and save them money!
      5. What happens when the partner who does not cook, decides to help design the kitchen because he/she is paying for it? Imaging 5 years down the road, your partner brings this up in any argument you may have – years of resentment will come pouring out. Not worth it – stay within your area of influence.

When a home is built, especially if it’s your first, only or last one, opinions have a tendency to be voiced, sometimes loudly, and often upset people — that’s when you know you’re onto something that needs resolution. One method that works is if you list down all the contentious areas, and using a scale of 1 – 10, each person can rate it. Your choices will be clear.

A happy home and a happy married life require a certain amount of adaptation or compromise, if you will. Circumstances change, people lose interest, and what would have been a deal-breaker scarce months ago is now but a memory, and possibly a story woven into the tapestry of your lives together.

Don’t be afraid to help each other build your home together – rather, build memories.

Don’t resent opinions of others on your decisions or selections – rather, start conversations using these very similarities or differences, and discover new meanings.

Oh, I forgot – TV or no TV in the master bedroom is one issue that I have not been able to resolve as yet. If you have any solutions do write in, a lot of people would benefit!